


it all comes down to you

by sergeantrogers



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Declarations Of Love, Kinda, M/M, Pining Bucky Barnes, Pining Steve Rogers, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), References to Secret Avengers, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Stucky Big Bang 2016, Wanda Maximoff is a Good Bro, Winter Soldier Trial (off screen)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 12:33:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7508433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sergeantrogers/pseuds/sergeantrogers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This time, maybe things would go right and they could finally be SteveandBucky and BuckyandSteve, because this was all Steve ever wanted.<br/>They were, for a few days. Then Bucky went back under, and fuck, Steve was tired of being only Steve.<br/>-<br/>‘’For everybody,’’ Bucky says, before going into cryo.<br/>But what about Steve?</p>
            </blockquote>





	it all comes down to you

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my fic for the Stucky Big Bang 2016. This is my first fic and I'm very nervous about it! I hope you guys will like it. Also, a link to the art for this fic will be added later, as well as the art itself.  
> All my thank yous are gonna be in the end notes!

There was Steve and there was Bucky. Then they met, and suddenly they were _SteveandBucky_ , _BuckyandSteve_ , never one without the other. Little boys seen running together in the streets of Brooklyn, boys fighting together in the back alleys when Steve decided the world was wrong (Steve started the fights and Bucky gave more punches), boys going on double dates when Bucky started noticing girls, boys doing everything together.

They were _SteveandBucky_ and _BuckyandSteve_ for so long Steve forgot what it was like to be just Steve. When Bucky fell from the train, there was Steve, but no Bucky to come after him.

Seventy years later, Steve woke up and there was still only him, thought there would only be him.

But then he wasn’t just Steve. Bucky was there too, and Steve hoped so much they could be _SteveandBucky_ and _BuckyandSteve_ again. Bucky pulled him out of the water and then disappeared.

There was Steve and there was Bucky for two years.

An explosion happened in Vienna and Steve knew it wasn’t Bucky. He could feel it in his bones. It wasn’t Bucky, and Steve found him, and once again, he hoped. This time, maybe things would go right and they could finally be _SteveandBucky_ and _BuckyandSteve_ , because this was all Steve ever wanted.

They were, for a few days. Then Bucky went back under, and fuck, Steve was tired of being only Steve, with no Bucky to come after him.

-

‘’For everybody,’’ Bucky says, before going into cryo.

But what about Steve?

-

See, Steve doesn’t want to be selfish. He really doesn’t want to be. He doesn’t want to refuse this to Bucky because he needs him. This is Bucky’s choice and Steve respects it, even if it hurts. _Allow him the dignity of his choice_ , Peggy once said to Steve, and he intends to do that; to respect Bucky and his choices. Because this is about Bucky, not Steve.

Bucky deserves this so much; the ability of making his own choices. For seventy years, Hydra took that from him, they brainwashed him, tortured him, and manipulated him into committing murder for them. Bucky deserves so much, Steve thinks. Bucky deserves the whole world and all of its precious treasures. Bucky deserves to be free again, and if he finds freedom with this, with cryo, then Steve will let him.

He understands that when Bucky is awake, he doesn’t feel free. Hydra still has control on him and that makes him dangerous; he could hurt, _kill_ anybody. That’s something he doesn’t want. So he sleeps, until they can find a way to help him, until they can save him from what Hydra did to his brain.

And Steve stays the Steve without his Bucky.

-

Steve goes to free his friends. He had expected for his friends to get arrested, but he had not seen this coming. He had not expected an underwater prison with such a strict surveillance. And he feels rage; they do not deserve this. Okay, they went against the government, they went against what they said and wanted and ordered, _but they don’t deserve this hell_. No one does.

They’re now hiding in some country Steve can’t remember the name of. There are 117 countries that are searching for them, which leaves approximately 78 countries where they can hide. But to go from one of these countries to another, you sometimes have to cross a country that’s against you – you have to be careful, to become a shadow ~~(a ghost)~~ so no one sees you. It’s a tiring job. Plus, it means they can’t go in the cities; they have to stay in the wild. Right now, that’s what they’re doing. It’ll take them a few more days to get out of here, Steve estimates. Then, they’ll get to a country that isn’t looking to capture their asses and they’ll all be able to rest.

These last days have been exhausting and it shows in all their faces. Wanda is still so pale and shocked from how they treated her, and Steve makes a mental note to talk to her later. Clint is with her, so at least, there’s that. Steve and Wanda, they’re close, (she’s like a little sister to him), but what Clint has with her, it’s different. They share something special; sometimes, Steve has the impression Clint adopted her as a daughter back then, in Sokovia.

Steve looks at them; Clint has his arm around Wanda’s shoulders and he’s softly talking to her and she’s nodding and _there_ it is, a little smile on her lips. The sight of them makes Steve smile in return.

‘’Hey, man,’’ Sam says, sitting next to Steve.

‘’Hey,’’ Steve turns to look at him, sees the dark bags under Sam’s eyes, ‘’How are you holding up?’’

‘’Ah, could be better. But it could be worse.’’

Steve smiles and nods, because damn, he understands. He felt like this for so long.

‘’What about you? Where’s Barnes? I thought you wouldn’t let him out of your sight after you got him back,’’ Sam jokes.

Steve sighs, tries not to show too much of his pain on his face. ‘’He went back into cryo.’’

‘’What? Did I miss an episode or something? The guy spent seventy years hopping in and out of cryo, and he asks to go back under?’’ Sam says, and Steve can hear the incredulity in his voice.

‘’The words still work on him and we don’t know if Hydra or the Russians put more trigger words in his mind. He doesn’t want to risk being used again, so he’s sleeping until we can find a way to help him. T’Challa’s scientists are working on it,’’ Steve adds.

‘’T’Challa? Man, I really missed a bunch of stuff. I need alcohol for this,’’ Sam sighs, rubbing a hand against his eyes.

‘’Yeah. Yeah, you did,’’ Steve laughs, a bit sadly. So he explains everything that happened after they left the airport.

He tells Sam everything from Bucky saying he’s not sure if he’s worth all this, to them joking about being a hundred years old, Tony’s arrival, Zemo showing him the video of Bucky killing Tony’s parents and then the fight. He tells Sam how he almost killed Tony to protect Bucky, but he didn’t, and how he dropped the shield (Sam’s eyes went so wide Steve thinks he could still be laughing about it in ten years).

He tells Sam that T’Challa was outside, and that he captured Zemo. He tells Sam that T’Challa apologized to Bucky, explaining he learned the truth about the events of Vienna, and that he is very sorry for trying to kill him. Then he tells Sam T’Challa offered his help. They took it. Here is Steve. Without Bucky.

‘’I thought I had him back for real, Sam,’’ Steve miserably says.

Sam doesn’t say anything, but Steve understands. What could he say? But Sam’s here, and he’s hugging him, and it’s what Steve needs.

He’s so glad he met Sam.

-

When Steve wakes up the next morning, only Clint is awake. He’s sitting away from the camp, staring at nothing. Steve gets up, not making a sound and goes to sit next to him. He sees Clint turning his head to look at him from the corner of his eye.

For a moment, they sit in silence, not saying a word.

‘’I’m sorry, Clint.’’

‘’For what?’’

‘’I don’t know. All this huge mess,’’ Steve answers, showing the landscape with his right hand.

It’s beautiful, but how they got there is not.

‘’No need to apologize,’’ Clint tells him and stops him when Steve tries to say something. ‘’I knew what I was getting myself into when I answered the phone and told you yes, Steve. I knew what I was risking.’’

‘’You have a family, Clint. But I still picked up the phone and asked you. You have children and a wife. And I don’t even know how long we’ll have to stay in hiding. It could be months and in the worst case scenario, a year or two.’’ Steve looks down at his feet, remorse and guilt drowning everything else in his brain.

‘’I knew that when I said yes. I told you I knew what I was risking. But see, Steve. Once you get in the superhero life, there’s never really an out. You never really stop. Yeah, Laura will be really mad at me and my children won’t probably understand for a few years, but. But fighting, it’s part of me. I can’t say no to that. Don’t feel bad, Steve. It was my decision.’’

And what can Steve answer to that? So he nods and he tries to forget how bad he feels about dragging Clint into all this.

-

They’re moving. They can’t stay too long at the same place. Many countries are searching for them and they need to get out of this one; the next they’ll reach will be a safe place. They’ll finally be able to get a hotel and sleep in beds. They won’t have to be as careful.

As they walk, Steve thinks about Natasha. He doesn’t know what happened to her after she let him and Bucky escape and he hopes she’s not in too much trouble. He wonders if she’s also hiding and if they’ll run into her. He hopes so, because he misses her. She’s one of his best friends, after all.

She did so much for him. She helped him destroy SHIELD two years ago, had been there for him after, when he searched for Bucky and couldn’t find anything. She held him when he was so tired and exhausted and sad and crying and couldn’t keep it in anymore, when he didn’t want anyone to see him like this but it was just too hard, and she told him they’d find him, eventually. Or that Bucky would come home on his own.

She had proven herself again, when Peggy died. ( _When Peggy died_. God, Steve still wasn’t used to think about Peggy like this. It would never stop hurting, Steve was sure of that). She was there because she didn’t want him to be alone and she hugged him and Steve was grateful that Natasha existed.

Steve is so deep in his thoughts he doesn’t even notice when Wanda starts walking next to him.

‘’Steve,’’ she says gently.

Sometimes, she amazes Steve. Her powers can be ones of destruction; she could do anything she wants with those. She could have been the greatest villain Earth had known, but she chose the right path. She chose to be kind and gentle and to protect. Wanda went through a lot (Steve understood better than anyone what it must have been like for her to lose Pietro), she lived with so much pain, and she chose to stand up and fight for the right thing. She did it even if the world was scared of her.

‘’Wanda,’’ he greets.

She doesn’t answer for a while and Steve starts to think maybe she just wanted company and wasn’t seeking for a conversation.

But then; ‘’We’ll be okay?’’

Steve turns and looks at her. She looks so young. She’s just a kid and sometimes, Steve forgets. But she’s still a kid, and the only family she knew and had besides Pietro just tore in half. They’re hiding from governments, they’re criminals, fugitives. Of course she’d be worried or scared.

Steve doesn’t say a thing for a long time. He’s looking for the right words. She waits.

‘’I don’t know,’’ he says in all honesty. He doesn’t see the point in lying. She would know if he lied. She’s just a kid, but she deserves the truth, even if it’s a hard one.

‘’But I think we will be, eventually,’’ he adds.

She nods. She takes his hand, clings to it. She needs it and Steve lets her. He squeezes her hand, lets her know he’s there for her.

‘’Thank you, Steve,’’ she says, more relaxed than she was when she came to him.

‘’Whenever you need it, Wanda,’’ he answers, because it’s true.

Wanda is his little sister.

-

It’s dark and they got to the safe country; again, Steve can’t ~~(doesn’t want to)~~ remember the name of it. There’s not much that matters to him right now, except the safety of his friends and, well, Bucky. Where they are is not a concern for him, because Clint is taking care of it with Sam and he trusts them. He wants to put his energy somewhere else than destinations. They got rooms in a hotel and they’re eating, watching the news on the TV.

Steve sits apart from the others; they’re all talking and laughing together and he’s glad they’re getting along so well, but he needs some time alone. He loves them, he really does (well, he doesn’t love Scott; he doesn’t know him well enough, but he likes him), but what he really needs right now is not here with him.

What he needs is frozen in time, hidden somewhere in Wakanda.

_‘’Come on, Rogers! Show me what you got,’’ the bully says, laughing._

_Steve is on the ground, wheezing, his breath short, and blood on his teeth. Still, he gets back up and gets in position. He tries to punch the bully, but he isn’t fast enough. The bully hits him in the jaw, again; the hit sends him on the ground. Steve coughs and tries to get up, he won’t ever stay down, but the bully kicks him. Steve falls. He’s weak, he can feel it, but he doesn’t want to stop fighting. The bully has to pay. So he tries again, he gets on his knees, spits blood on the ground and he looks up just in time to see the bully’s shoe coming at him. Steve rolls on his side, so he doesn’t get kicked again. This time, he has time to stand up._

_‘’I can do this all day,’’ Steve says. He is stubborn and rage is pumping his heart, anger in his veins._

_‘’You’re crazy, Rogers,’’ the bully laughs, pushing him to the ground. Steve isn’t fast enough, he’s too weak. Exhausted._

_He doesn’t want to be. He wants to be tall and strong._

_‘’Hey! Leave the kid alone!’’ Steve hears. It’s a new voice._

_‘’It’s not your business, Barnes. Leave us alone,’’ the bully answers angrily._

_‘’It’s my business if you’re picking on kids smaller than yourself,’’ the other kid – Barnes – says._

_Steve likes him. He thinks the same way Steve does._

_He hears punches and grunts, then silence._

_Steve looks up to see another boy looking down at him. The boy has brown hair and blue eyes. He’s smiling. He’s offering his hand for Steve to take, to help him back up._

_Steve doesn’t take it and gets up himself. The other boy – Barnes, learn his damn name, Rogers – doesn’t stop smiling._

_‘’You okay?’’ Barnes asks._

_‘’I had him on the ropes,’’ Steve grumbles._

_Barnes’ smile falters a little bit; then he shakes his head with wonder, and his smile is coming back on his lips, bigger this time. Steve likes that smile._

_‘’I know you did,’’ Barnes says. ‘’What’s your name, kiddo?’’_

_‘’I’m not a kiddo. I’m eight!’’ Bucky doesn’t say anything, and Steve remembers the question. ‘’Oh, I’m Steve. Steve Rogers.’’_

_‘’James Barnes, but call me Bucky. All my friends do,’’ Barnes – Bucky says, still smiling. ‘’And I’m nine!’’ he adds, obviously proud._

_From that moment, Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers never left each other’s side. SteveandBucky, BuckyandSteve._

Steve smiles and he would be lying if he said there were no tears in his eyes. He misses Bucky so much.

-

Steve’s been thinking. Wanda’s powers can play with the mind. In Sokovia, she shocked the entire team when she was against them. She can manipulate someone’s mind. Maybe she could help Bucky.

He feels hope, for the first time since he left Bucky there, almost a week ago. He just had no idea how to help Bucky, how to fix the damage Hydra had done; but maybe Wanda can do it. Maybe she can destroy Hydra’s hold on him. Maybe she could restore the memories he hasn’t gotten back.

Steve knows he shouldn’t hope too much, because if Wanda can’t do it, he’ll be crushed. But maybe, maybe he is allowed to have this little spark of hope.

He waits until Wanda is alone to talk to her. It’s not that he doesn’t trust the boys (because he does, he trusts them with his life), but he wants Wanda’s opinion before talking to them. Because if she says yes, it changes all of their plans.

‘’Hey, Wanda, are you busy?’’ Steve asks, hoping he’s not disturbing her.

‘’Hi, Steve. No, I’m not. How are you?’’ she smiles at him, showing him the spot beside her so he can sit.

‘’I’m fine,’’ he answers and it’s half a lie, ‘’you?’’

‘’I’m fine too,’’ and Steve hopes it’s not half a lie like his own answer.

Steve plays with the grass, nervous.

‘’What is it?’’

‘’Uh?’’

‘’You look nervous. What is it?’’

‘’Um, I just –‘’ Steve stutters, ‘’so, you know about Bucky’s situation.’’

‘’Yes, I do.’’ Wanda seems amused by Steve’s behavior, if he’s reading her right.

‘’I was wondering if your powers could, you know, help him.’’

She doesn’t say anything for a while, but Steve is okay with that. It’s not a light question, he knows that. He’s asking her if she can enter the mind of an assassin to dismantle what Hydra did to him. He’s asking her to help him again, help him even though the last time she did that, it ended in a disaster. But Steve thinks she could be the key to Bucky’s problem.

‘’I don’t know if I can, Steve. But I think it’s worth a shot.’’

She smiles softly at him, like she knows how hopeful he is, how much it means to him. And Steve thinks that yes, she does understand. If it was Pietro they were talking about, Steve knows she would feel the same way. Bucky is the most important person in Steve’s life and Pietro was the same for Wanda. The only difference is that Bucky and Steve are not family. Their relationship goes beyond that; it is unexplainable.

He smiles back, thanks her, and goes to the boys to explain the new plan.

The destination changed.

They’re going to Wakanda.

-

Steve calls T’Challa to let him know he’s coming and that he’s bringing friends with him. They should be there in a week or two and T’Challa tells him guards will be waiting for them at the border. They fix a point of meeting. Steve is vibrating with excitement and hope – this could be a great chance to help Bucky.

They arrive two weeks later. They had to cross a country that signed the Accords and also had to go in a city to get stuff – someone spotted them and called the police and they had to hide for a few days before they could be sure they could go on again with no trouble. The whole world is searching for them (searching for Bucky, too). Steve is a criminal to their eyes, and the world thinks the same about his friends. It was a dangerous decision from Steve to walk in the city, but they had no choice; they needed stuff, supplies. That was why they sent Scott when they were hiding; because no one would recognize him. But they couldn’t separate, not now.

So that slowed them down, to Steve’s dismay. He can’t wait to see Bucky again. He wants him back.

When they got to the border and the guards guided them to where T’Challa was hiding Bucky, Steve couldn’t stop smiling. He’s going to see his best friend again.

But before that, they need to explain what they’re doing here. Steve didn’t explain on the phone; he instead just said he was coming. T’Challa had not questioned him.

Sam, Clint and Scott have already gone in the building, choosing the rooms they’re going to stay in. T’Challa had said on the phone they could stay as long as they wanted; going into hiding in the few countries that didn’t sign the Accords is not safe for them and he was ready to take the risk to hide them. No one would know they were here, T’Challa promised.

Wanda stays with Steve; she needs to be there when Steve explains his presence.

T’Challa takes them to a reunion room and invites them to sit.

‘’Tell me, Captain, what brings you here? You know we have not made progress in your friend’s case, because I have not called you like I said I would.’’ T’Challa inquires, curiosity shining in his dark eyes.

‘’Well, I think we may have a solution.’’ Steve waits a few seconds, thinking T’Challa might have something to say, but he just raises an eyebrow, as to say go on. ‘’Wanda has powers. She can play with minds. When we fought Ultron, she was able to show us our greatest fears or things that could destabilize us emotionally. We think she might be able to dismantle Hydra’s hold on Bucky’s brain and restore the memories he hasn’t gotten back.’’

‘’Are you sure it will work? If it doesn’t, we do not know what the consequences will be.’’ T’Challa points out, but Steve had thought about it.

‘’We aren’t, but we think it’s worth a shot. In all honesty, and I don’t mean to offend you in any way, I think any solution we would have found would have presented the same problem. What if it doesn’t work and it makes things worse? It’s something we have to find out.’’

T’Challa doesn’t answer and Steve can see in his face he’s thinking about it, analyzing the pros and the cons. Finally, after what seems like forever, he gives an answer.

‘’We can try,’’ he begins, ‘’but we need to ask your friend.’’

‘’Of course,’’ Steve says, ‘’I wouldn’t do anything without his consent.’’

-

The next day, they wake Bucky. As the scientists slowly take him out of the cryo chamber, Steve stares at him. There must be something showing on his face, because:

‘’You’re in love with him,’’ Sam says, disbelief in his voice.

Steve doesn’t answer. He never admitted his feelings to someone. He always thought that if he needed to, Bucky would be the first to know (if Steve ever feels like Bucky might be in love with him too). He feels bad that he didn’t tell Sam, but. But this love, his love for Bucky, it’s something he kept a secret for so long; it’s something he always wanted to keep for Bucky and himself. Other people would know after Bucky.

Sam sighs, shaking his head. ‘’I can’t believe I didn’t notice in the two years we searched for him.’’

‘’I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Sam,’’ Steve tells him, and it’s true.

‘’Don’t worry about it, man. We all have stuff we’re not ready to tell.’’

Steve is so grateful for Sam. He’s a really great friend, understanding and kind and one of the best people he’d met in this century.

They stand together, silently watching the scientists take care of Bucky. They’re helping him step out of the chamber and keep him upright as he stumbles on his feet. Steve can see they they’re slowly talking to him and Bucky nods in return.

Steve’s chest feels tight and his breath is short. Every time he sees Bucky, his heart can’t help but beat faster, louder. And as if Bucky could hear it, the loud _boomboom, boomboom_ of Steve’s heart, he turns his head around to look at him. Bucky smiles and it’s the best thing Steve has seen all day, all week. 

‘’Steve,’’ a soft murmur escapes Bucky’s lips. If Steve didn’t have super hearing, he wouldn’t have caught it. But he did and his heart is beating faster, louder than it already did and a smile is spreading on his lips.

Maybe this time, the universe will let them be _SteveandBucky, BuckyandSteve_. The universe has never been kind to them and Steve hopes that this time, it will.

-

The scientists keep Bucky with them for a few hours, making sure he’s okay and responding well. Steve stayed to wait, but Sam left to go hang out with the others. Steve just wants to spend as much time as he can with Bucky, even if it’s watching from afar. When the scientists say Bucky can go, Steve practically runs to him. He wants as much time as he can with him.

‘’Seems like you can’t stay away from me too long, Rogers,’’ Bucky teases when Steve reaches him, and _God_ , Steve missed him.

‘’What can I say? It was time to get my stupid back,’’ Steve jokes back, as if he had not spent a few days with Bucky a few weeks ago. As if it’s the first time they’ve seen each other since DC. Steve doesn’t mean it that way; he doesn’t mean it in the sense he wasn’t really reunited with Bucky the last time they were together. It’s just that this time, this reunion is permanent. At least, he hopes so.

‘’Yeah, they told me you might have found a solution,’’ Bucky says and he looks anxious, uncertain. Steve wants to hug him and tell him everything is going to be okay and that Bucky doesn’t have to worry anymore.

Steve nods and puts his arm on Bucky’s shoulders, guiding him. ‘’Come on, old man, let’s introduce you properly to my team.’’

-

A few days later, Bucky and Wanda are sitting on Bucky’s bed; both are looking nervous. Fuck, Steve is nervous too and he’s not the one who’s gonna play with a mind and he’s not the one who’s gonna have his mind played with. But Steve can’t help it, because Bucky went back into cryo so no one could play with his mind again and the first solution they found to help him was to get someone inside his head, again. So what if something goes wrong? Or if it doesn’t work and Bucky goes back under after? What if it does something to Wanda? What she’s about to see is not going to be pretty.

‘’You’re ready?’’ Wanda asks Bucky, who nods weakly. Even then, Wanda doesn’t make a move; Steve suspects she’s waiting for verbal consent, which Bucky picks up.

‘’Yeah, I am. If we don’t do this now, we’ll never do it.’’

Steve watches them. Wanda is lifting her hands, her red power going towards Bucky’s head, whose eyes are closed tightly.

In the next few minutes, Steve doesn’t know what changed, but something did. Bucky is relaxed and Wanda has a look of awe in her eyes. He doesn’t know what she’s seeing, but from the look on her face, it’s nothing horrific: the memories might be ones from before the war. Even Bucky is smiling, now.

The sight of him smiling makes Steve smile, too. His emotions are combined with Bucky’s and even if it’s cheesy and maybe even cliché, Bucky’s happiness makes Steve happy, as much as Bucky’s sadness makes Steve sad and so on.  

They spend another few minutes in this mood, as Wanda flicks her fingers and moves her hands. Then, she frowns.

‘’Steve?’’ she asks.

‘’Yeah, I’m here. What’s – is something wrong?’’ Fuck, Steve is so nervous and worried about all this. He wonders if it was a good idea to begin with.

‘’I found the triggers in his mind. They’re deeply rooted. It’s been part of his brain for decades, it… it might hurt him to destroy them. He can’t hear any of this, but Steve, I need you to hold him. I don’t know how he’s gonna react to the pain and there’s a possibility he might attack me, which I can’t risk. I’d lose my hold on him and ruin everything I’ve done,’’ she explains stiffly.

‘’Okay… Okay, I can do this,’’ Steve answers her, moving towards Bucky as he says it. ‘’Do you want me to lie him down?’’

‘’No, keep him upright.’’

Steve sits behind Bucky and puts his arms around his torso and his right arm. He stiffens his hold, and then gives Wanda the go.

Her face is blank as she starts working; her hands moving in patterns Steve doesn’t understand. She makes a move and Bucky shivers in his arms. A soft whine escapes his lips as Steve squeezes his arms around him. Wanda makes another movement and this time, Bucky sobs. In return, Steve whines too and drops his forehead on Bucky’s shoulder, wondering if his friend can even feel it.

Steve closes his eyes as Bucky continues shivering and he wants to cry. To help Bucky, they have to hurt him, again, as if he hadn’t been hurt enough in his life. It goes on like this for what feels like hours for Steve, but it was only something like three minutes.

‘’Bucky,’’ Wanda’s soft voice says gently, ‘’can you hear me?’’

‘’Y-yes,’’ he answers weakly. Steve can feel him choking down another sob.

‘’I reached the memories of what you… Of what you did to Hydra’s victims. Do you want me to erase them?’’

Bucky stiffens in Steve’s arms and he stays silent. At the moment Steve starts to think his friend isn’t going to answer Wanda, he does.

‘’No. Leave them there. It’s the least I can do. I killed them because Hydra asked me to and they didn’t have good motives. I killed innocent lives – the least I can do is keep their memory alive.’’

Steve looks up to see Wanda softly smiling and nodding to the brunette in his arms.

‘’Okay,’’ she tells them. ‘’Then we’re done. I put your memories in the right order – they were all over the place and they were not in chronological order. I destroyed the triggers in your mind; that’s the part that hurt. I’m sorry about that, but I had no choice. It was the only way I had to destroy them for good. You should probably rest for the day. I’m sure it was exhausting for you.’’

She smiles to both of them, then gets up and goes to leave.

‘’Wanda! Wait,’’ Bucky calls her. She turns to look at him, questioning on her face. ‘’Thank you.’’

She smiles again, this time more brightly. ‘’You’re welcome,’’ she says with sincerity.

She pauses, looks to the floor, then looks at Bucky again, a fierce look in her eyes.

‘’You didn’t deserve what they did to you.’’

She turns and leaves for good, leaving the two of them alone.

Steve doesn’t say anything; doesn’t know what he could possibly say after this. He doesn’t move either, because he has dreamed of this for so long, now: to have Bucky in his arms. The reason to why he got to hold his best friend like this might not be the best, but Steve could take any reason to do so. And Bucky had not punched him yet, so Steve took it as a good sign.

‘’I like her,’’ Bucky finally breaks the silence, after what must have been half an hour.

‘’Yeah, me too. She’s really great.’’

‘’Care to explain why I’m in your arms?’’ Bucky asks Steve, a laugh in his voice.

‘’Oh, hum,’’ Steve blushes and frees Bucky, ‘’Wanda wanted me to hold you in case you did something while she took care of the triggers, it was a tactical move I swear –‘’

‘’Calm down, punk,’’ Bucky cuts him off. ‘’I don’t mind,’’ he adds as he turns around to look at Steve.

‘’You don’t?’’ His tone is surprised, because Steve is.

Before the war, they were very touchy. They always a hand on the other’s shoulders, a pat on their back, their shoulders bumping while walking. They were dumb kids walking through Brooklyn, thinking they could change the world for good. But after what Zola had done to Bucky, the latter wasn’t one for physical contact. Steve had never known what exactly had been done to his best friend, but he had always suspected it had to be really big to have an impact like this on their dynamic.

So to hear Bucky say he doesn’t mind Steve holding him like he was doing _is_ a surprise. A good surprise, though.

‘’Yeah, of course. It’s nice to have a gentle touch after seventy years and what happened – was it last month?’’

That sets Steve off. Had it really been a month since his fight with Tony?

‘’Hum, yeah, I can imagine,’’ Steve hears himself say in a blank voice. He knows that it’s rude, to push Bucky aside like this when he’s trying to talk about what happened, but holy shit, _a month_.

He can feel himself get up and he doesn’t really want to leave Bucky, but it also had been a month and _shit_. How is Tony? He doesn’t have Pepper to go back to, to get the comfort he needs. They broke up. And Steve still has no news of Natasha and has no idea where she is or even if she’s safe. And the Avengers are off, broken in two parts and half of it is in hiding. Who is protecting the world?

The world is vulnerable without anyone to look after it and what has Steve been doing? Nothing. Absolutely _nothing_ , he just left and hid from everyone with his friends instead of fighting to protect the Earth and he’s such a failure, isn’t he?

‘’Steve,’’ he can hear Bucky’s worried voice from afar, but he hears it numbly, as if he’s drowning and Bucky is at the surface. ~~Bucky went after him when Steve fell but Steve didn’t go after Bucky when he fell~~ ‘’Steve? Come on, punk, breathe!’’

Steve feels himself shaking and his breath is short, too short ( _panic attack_ , a voice tells him in his head. _i don’t panic_ , steve wants to say). There are hands on him, a soft voice hurriedly speaking to him, telling him to breathe, but Steve can’t quite do it. He watches numbly as Bucky puts Steve’s hand over his chest.

‘’Feel my breathing? Follow it, Steve, you can do it,’’ Bucky is saying, worry in his voice and in his face and in his eyes and it should be Steve worrying and taking care of him, not the other way around, ‘’come on, in and out. Again, in and out. That’s it, you got it, Stevie, you got it. In and out.’’

After what feels like hours, Steve can feel himself breathing properly and he starts to calm down. He feels stupid now, for freaking out like this on Bucky. He certainly didn’t need that: after all, someone just had been in his mind to play around. Sure, it had been to help, but it must not have been pleasant.

As Steve slowly comes back to his senses, he notices they’re sitting on the ground and that he’s now the one in Bucky’s arm. His head is on Bucky’s shoulders and his friend is curled around him in a protective embrace.  Steve wants to stay here forever, but he knows he can’t. He can’t endure the thought of Bucky comforting him when it should be the other way around.

And Steve is a bit overwhelmed with his panic attack (i don’t panic, steve wants to say again) and doing nothing for the world. The people may think they don’t need superheroes, but truth is, the world needs the Avengers. Maybe 117 countries think the opposite of what Steve thinks, but the truth is, they do need enhanced people to protect them.

That can wait for a few days. Right now, Bucky is the one in great need of help. The fact that Wanda destroyed the triggers and fixed his memories doesn’t mean Bucky is okay; it doesn’t erase what happened to him. Plus, he’s still missing an arm. T’Challa offered to make a new one, an offer Bucky accepted. They’re waiting for it to be built.

‘’Care to tell me what happened?’’ Bucky suddenly asks, breaking Steve’s train of thoughts.

‘’Nothing important,’’ Steve lies. Bucky doesn’t need his best friend freaking out on him. Not now. Not again.

‘’Try that again.’’ Bucky has this face that says he’s not going to take any bullshit, but Steve just can’t.

A flash of Natasha telling him he’s a terrible liar. Steve has never been able to lie. Especially not to Bucky, but he needs to. Bucky already has too much on his mind.

‘’It’s nothing important, I swear. I need to go, I’ll see you later,’’ Steve says abruptly as he gets out of Bucky’s hold and gets up.

He leaves the room, feeling bad about his behavior, but he needs some time alone and Bucky needs to rest.

He doesn’t see the pained, confused expression on Bucky’s face.

*

 The thing is, Steve doesn’t talk about his feelings or his problems. He never did it and he’s not about to start either. That’s how he grew up: you bottle up your emotions and you ignore them. You don’t talk about them. Steve has a lot bottled in, but he’s not going to let anyone know. He only let Natasha see that side of him and it was only one time. So instead, he does what he’s best at: fighting. He’s been watching the TV a lot with the others and the world is not doing very well. Without the Avengers to protect it, a lot of bullies and villains are taking advantage of the situation and terrorizing civilians.

He’s been talking with the team and T’Challa; Steve wants to go back in the world to protect it and the others agree (‘’I got nothing better to do,’’ Clint and Scott said). T’Challa is helping them create new uniforms and gear, since their stuff has been taken by the government and Steve dropped his shield. Steve doesn’t really understand why T’Challa is helping them the way he is, but he’s not about to complain. Plus, after each mission, T’Challa will let them come back to rest or heal in case of injuries.

(‘’I can’t ask this much from you,’’ Steve had said.

‘’It is my pleasure to help you, Captain.’’

So Steve lets him help. With a little bit of reluctance, but still lets him.)

Also, it’s been almost a week since his… panic attack, and he and Bucky are fighting. Which is part of why Steve went back so fast to fighting; he needs to think about other stuff.

So of course, Bucky had learned that Steve wanted to go back on the ground to fight. He said he wanted to come; Steve said no. They hadn’t had time to talk about it more, because the scientists had taken Bucky to take tests for his new metal arm. When Bucky came back, Steve was closed to a discussion about it. (‘’I don’t want you to come and that’s all I’m gonna say. Discussion ended.’’ Steve had said. Bucky looked mad.) But of course Steve wants Bucky to be with him and to spend more time with him, but not like this. Bucky has been through so much and in Steve’s opinion, he certainly doesn’t need more violence and fighting in his life. Steve believes it’s what Bucky needs to heal nicely. Steve will fight and then come back to him. Which is part of why he said no so fast.

Steve knows that if he was to explain his refusal to Bucky, it would end up pretty badly. Like, him telling Bucky he’s in love with him and is scared to death of losing him again and can’t risk that. But Steve doesn’t talk about feelings, so he won’t do that.

And apparently, since their fight, Steve has been miserable, as Sam tells him.

‘’I’m not miserable, Sam,’’ Steve answers stubbornly.

Sam gives him a look that says ‘’who do you think you’re kidding’’.

‘’You are, Steve. Talk to the guy, at least. Explain why you don’t want him on the field.’’

‘’If I do that, it won’t be pretty.’’

‘’Don’t you think he deserves it? You’re refusing him something he asked for without telling him why. I think I can understand why the guy is angry at you,’’ Sam replies.

_Shit_. Steve has really been a jerk. Of course Bucky is angry! He spent 70 years being told what to do without having a single choice and Steve goes and refused him one.

‘’I don’t have another option, do I?’’ Steve grumbles, but he already knows he doesn’t. He made a mistake and he needs to fix it.

-

So Steve finds himself in Bucky’s bedroom and they’re both staring at each other, both stubborn jerks who don’t want to talk first.

But Steve _knows_ Bucky; he knows he won’t talk first, even if it’s a tiny little bit childish.

Steve sighs.

‘’I’m sorry, Bucky.’’

Bucky continues to stare at him.

‘’I really am, Buck. It wasn’t okay of me to tell you no without even explaining myself,’’ Steve declares.

Silence. Then:

‘’Are you going to explain yourself?’’ Bucky asks moodily.

‘’Yeah.’’ Steve moves from the doorframe and goes to sit next to Bucky. He looks down to his hands nervously. ‘’I just… You’ve just been through so much and you’re still dealing with what happened to you and I don’t… I don’t think more violence and fighting is gonna help you, Buck.’’

‘’You didn’t seem to mind about that last month, Steve.’’ Bucky snaps. Steve feels cold and from the corner of his eye, he can see Bucky’s shoulders slumping. ‘’Sorry. I didn’t really mean that. But Steve, this is my choice and you can’t go around and decide what’s good or not good for me. Only I can do that.’’

‘’I know, I’m sorry I’ve been such a jerk.’’

‘’I’m used to it,’’ Bucky jokes faintly. ‘’But you’re not telling me the whole truth. You’re a terrible liar, Steve.’’

Steve blushes; he knows he can’t lie for shit, but he had hoped (foolishly) that Bucky wouldn’t notice. What did he think would happen? That it would work? He and Bucky have known each other their whole lives; of course Bucky would know when Steve is hiding something.

Steve knows he should tell Bucky the truth, that he should tell him he’s scared of losing him again. Sam says it would be healing for both of them to finally talk about what happened 70 years ago, but Steve can’t just bring himself to do it. He should, he should, and he _knows_ he should but he just can’t.

So he stays silent and still stares at his hands. Because if he opens his mouth, he’ll scream.

‘’Is this because of what happened in the Alps?’’ _~~Bucky! Hang on!~~_ Steve doesn’t move, but he feels his body going rigid. He blinks.

‘’Steve, look at me,’’ Bucky asks. _~~Grab my hand! No!~~_

He feels a hand on his jaw, turning his head so he looks at Bucky. _~~Bucky screaming as he fell~~_ He’s smiling softly, his hand still on Steve’s jaw.

‘’It wasn’t your fault,’’ Bucky whispers, his eyes shining with an emotion Steve can’t recognize. _~~Bucky went after me when I fell even if he didn’t remember me~~_

‘’I know.’’ Steve says blankly, because rationally, he knows it’s not his fault. He knows he couldn’t have done anything. _~~I didn’t jump after him I didn’t jump after him I didn’t jump after him~~_

But Bucky survived, so he could have jumped and at least, they would have survived together. _SteveandBucky_ , _BuckyandSteve_ , together forever, right? But when Bucky fell, Steve didn’t jump. He let him fall. _He let him fall and didn’t go back after him._

‘’No, you don’t. You think you do, but you don’t. It _wasn’t_ your fault, Steve.’’ Bucky’s voice is firm and full of sincerity. Steve wants to believe him. He can’t.

‘’I let you fall, Buck. I let you fall.’’ Steve hates how weak his voice is.

‘’You didn’t. You couldn’t have known I would survive the fall. In all honesty, I didn’t think I would survive either.’’ His eyes are still so beautiful; an icy blue Steve loves more than anything.

‘’You jumped after me and you didn’t even know me! I – I didn’t. I went back to camp and drank all night and I didn’t even search for your body and you saved me and I’m so sorry, Buck, I’m so sorry, I didn’t –‘’

Suddenly, Bucky is closer to him, his arm around his shoulders. His head is on Steve’s shoulder.

‘’Stevie,’’ he says and his voice is so soft, how can he not be angry at him? ‘’I’m not mad at you. If you had jumped after me, they would have taken you too, and you’re too good for that. It all happened and we can’t change any of it. I’m not saying I’m happy I went through that, cause I’m really not – but better me than you, Stevie.’’

Steve doesn’t answer, because he doesn’t know what to say. Deep inside him, he knows Bucky is right, that he couldn’t have done anything. He’s not okay with the ‘’better me than you’’ thing, because Steve would have taken his place at any moment, but he’s just so tired and he doesn’t want to talk any more. He didn’t even want to talk about all that for starters, but they did and he just wants to sleep, now. Bucky seems to get it, because he gently pushes Steve down so he’s lying on his back, and he comes to curl around him. They don’t say anything else.

Steve closes his eyes and doesn’t see the soft looks Bucky gives him.

Doesn’t hear Bucky quietly say, ‘’I love you’’.

-

The next morning, they’re found still sleeping together, curled around each other. The team decides on a common accord to let them sleep: they deserve it. They’ll wake up when they’ll wake up.  

When they do wake up, it’s time to give Bucky his new metal arm. While the surgery is going on, Steve takes a last look on their first mission with the others. Bucky is also going to come: even if Steve isn’t comfortable to have him on the field, he knows it’s his best friend’s choice and cannot stop him. He’ll go over the plan with him later.

When Steve and his team are done, they all flop down in front of the TV, where they alternate between the news and cartoons. They’re all relaxing, except Steve, who can’t help but be nervous. He hopes the surgery is going well and that Bucky will like his new arm – after all, he spent 70 years with the last one, so he must have gotten used to it. He’ll probably have to adjust to the differences. The metal will be stronger but lighter and he will feel with it as if it was a true arm. With what Steve understood, Bucky could feel with his old arm, but numbly. But this time, it’s better technology and the arm is built to help and enhance Bucky; not to be used only as a weapon.

When Bucky joins them hours later, he looks absolutely exhausted, but there’s a delight in his face as he sees Steve. His new arm looks a lot like the old one, but instead of a red star on his left shoulder, there’s a replica of Steve’s shield. (T’Challa made him a new one, even if Steve protested against it. He feels like they’re taking too much of Wakanda’s ressources.). When Steve sees the shield on Bucky’s arm, he stops breathing.

He doesn’t even feel himself getting up and walking over to Bucky, he just does it. He touches the drawing, confusion and delight all over his face as Bucky smiles to him.

‘’Buck – ‘’ Steve begins, but he doesn’t say anything else, because nothing could be enough. Bucky chose to put Steve’s shield on display on his arm and everyone will be able to see it and it touches Steve so much he doesn’t know what to say.

‘’Didn’t want a red star, but I also didn’t want it bare. So I thought, ‘what’s better than my punk’s shield?’’’

Bucky is still smiling at him and he can’t help but grin back. God, Steve is so happy to have Bucky back.

They’re staring at each other and Steve forgets they’re not alone, he forgets everything but Bucky. There’s only Bucky and nothing else could matter more in this moment than him.

He’s so entranced by the sight of Bucky: even exhausted, he’s still so gorgeous. His eyes haven’t changed at all; they’re still icy, a beautiful mix between grey and blue. His hair’s a lot longer now, but really, Steve likes it. It fits the new Bucky. He accepted years ago that his best friend would never be the same, but he’s okay with that. It’s still his Bucky. He’s still as beautiful as he was before everything went to hell.

And he can’t help but stare; he doesn’t even feel himself staring. He unconsciously takes a step forward, and another, until there are only a few inches between them.

_And holy shit is Bucky leaning towards Steve?_

_Fuck, he is._

Steve doesn’t stop to ask himself why and leans down to meet him, hoping that he’s reading well what’s happening because if it’s not what he thinks it is there’s gonna be lots of explanations needed, but –

[](http://zupimages.net/viewer.php?id=16/34/jhk2.jpg)

‘’Steve, you should come see this!’’ Clint calls from the sofa.

Fucking Clint.

Steve sighs (and is that disappointment in Bucky’s face?) and moves to join the others, asking as he goes what’s going on. They show him the TV.

On the screen, there’s a video of Tony going on a loop. He looks tired: there are bags under his eyes and he’s paler than usual. The woman doing the news is talking.

‘’Tony Stark, also known as Iron Man, has started negotiations with the United Nations and the United States. He wants them to let the Avengers come back home. His action started a big debate worldwide, as everyone takes a side regarding whether or not the fugitive Avengers should be welcomed back in their country.’’

The woman keeps talking, but it’s about superficial stuff. Clint, Sam, Scott and Wanda are staring at him as if they were waiting for an answer from Steve. He can feel Bucky is still near the doorframe, where he left him.

‘’Hum,’’ he starts very smartly. ‘’I guess he got my letter, after all?’’

‘’A letter?’’ Sam asks. ‘’What letter?’’

‘’I wrote to him before I went to free you guys. I apologized and explained some stuff. I guess this is his answer to my apology.’’ Steve explains.

‘’You don’t seem very excited,’’ Wanda points out.

‘’I am,’’ Steve responds, and all of them stare, unimpressed. ‘’I am, okay? I want to go back, like all of you. I want to not be a fugitive and be home, but this could take months and maybe it won’t work at Tony’s first try. I just don’t want to get too excited, that’s all.’’

‘’The world’s opinion will matter a lot, too.’’ Bucky adds, and they all turn around to look at him. He shrugs. ‘’It’s true. If the world feels like you’re too dangerous, they’ll say it and those at the top will say no to Stark to please the population and make them feel safe. But they might let you come back if the world pressures them to.’’

_Why is Bucky not including himself?_ Steve wonders. _Doesn’t he want to go back home?_

‘’That’s true.’’ Scott says. ‘’Even if Stark tries his very best, our fate is not in his hands. We’ll have to be even more careful on the mission tomorrow. If we’re recognized, it could play against us as well as it could play for us.’’

Silence falls between the six of them, as they all stare to each other. Eventually, Steve calls bedtime. They need to rest and be ready for tomorrow.

Bucky goes as soon as Steve lets them go, not even letting him say goodnight.

Steve pretends it doesn’t hurt.

-

‘’ _You reckless little punk –_ why did you do that?’’ Bucky hisses. ‘’Why did you think _jumping off a building_ would be a _good idea_?’’

The mission had gone well and had been a success, but at one point, Steve had needed to jump off a building (in all honesty, he didn’t remember why, which wasn’t helping him when his supersoldier best friend was yelling at him). After that, Steve had witnessed Bucky glaring at him for the rest of the mission. He felt kinda bad about it, but he had had a good reason for doing it, even if now, he didn’t remember.

‘’Hum,’’ Steve starts very smartly for his defense. ‘’Nothing bad could have happened?’’

‘’Nothing bad could have happened! Are you serious?’’ Bucky yells, throwing his hands in the air for emphasis. ‘’You could have broken bones, Steve!’’

‘’Sam would have caught me if there was any true danger –‘’

‘’Sam was busy at the moment, Steve.’’ Sam says from his corner of the quinjet T’challa had lent them.

‘’See! You’re such a reckless dumb shit, Steve Rogers, I cannot believe you,’’ Bucky says, pointing his finger at Steve.

He continues yelling at Steve, but Steve tunes him out, just happy to live the moment. It’s been so long since Bucky yelled at him for his reckless behavior. It’s just so _them_ that Steve can’t help but smile stupidly at his best friend, who’s now on a rant about how ‘’you always put your ass in danger, Rogers, you’re gonna get yourself killed one of these days’’.

Minutes later, when Bucky feels he’s finally done, Steve is still smiling at him. Bucky has his arms crossed over his chest and he’s still glaring a little at Steve, but there’s a soft smile on his lips.

Steve shrugs as to say ‘’oops?’’ and Bucky shakes his head, his smile a bit wider.

‘’If you two lovebirds are done eyefucking each other, you should come and listen to this,’’ Clint calls from the driver’s seat.

Steve blushes and looks away from Bucky, noticing in the movement they’re standing closer, so they must have moved unconsciously towards each other. The thought makes Steve blush even more and he goes quickly to join Clint, Bucky following him just behind.

‘’What’s up?’’ Scott asks and Steve realizes he had forgotten about his presence, and if he’s honest, he had forgotten about, well, everybody, when he was staring at Bucky.

Clint turns up the radio so they can all hear.

‘’Mr.Stark,’’ they hear, ‘’we’ve all heard about your attempt to get the fugitives Avengers back in America. Why is that? Didn’t you just fight with Captain America and others approximately a month ago?’’

Steve feels Bucky tensing up behind him and notes to himself to ask him why later.

‘’Yes, we did fight. Cap and I had disagreements and there was a lot going on, but he apologized and this is my way of apologizing. Cap and the others, I fought with them for years. They were my team.’’ Tony seems to hesitate for a few seconds and then adds: ‘’Of course I want them to come back.’’

‘’He doesn’t sound like himself,’’ Wanda says.

They all nod, because it’s true. The Tony they know is loud and obnoxious and eccentric, but still likable. This Tony, the one they’re hearing on the radio, he’s quiet and doesn’t talk like he usually does. He sounds awfully tired, too. As he answers the questions, the differences between his usual self and _this_ become more obvious.

When the interview ends, they’re close to Wakanda.

‘’Hey man, you’re okay?’’ Sam asks with a pat on Steve’s back.

‘’Yeah,’’ Steve answers, even though it’s not entirely true. ‘’You?’’

‘’Yeah. I really hope Tony wins the case, because I can’t wait to go back home and eat my Mama’s food.’’

Steve smiles because he feels like he should and says ‘’Yeah, me too.’’

When they land, Bucky is the first to get out. Steve excuses himself to Sam and the others and follows right after.

Bucky is fast so he’s already out of Steve’s sight, but he knows him well. He knows exactly where Bucky is going.

When Steve enters Bucky’s room, it’s dark inside and he almost can’t see his friend’s silhouette.

‘’Bucky,’’ Steve starts, not sure what to say or what to ask. ‘’What’s going on?’’

‘’Nothing,’’ Bucky lies. He’s a much better liar than Steve, but they’ve known each other forever. Steve knows when Bucky is lying to him.

‘’Don’t bullshit me. You’re uncomfortable as hell every time there’s a mention of us going back to the US.’’

There’s a long silence and after what feels like forever, Steve is almost 100% persuaded Bucky will never answer this. Steve sighs and starts to move from the bed where he was sitting to stand.

‘’Us doesn’t include me, Steve.’’ It was so quietly said Steve almost missed it, but he didn’t.

What the hell does Bucky mean?

‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’Stark is working on getting you and the others back. Not me,’’ Bucky says, discomfort and a little bit of sadness in his voice.

‘’What? That’s bullshit, Buck. Of course you’re coming back with us!’’

 Because how could Steve go back without Bucky?

‘’No, Steve. They want their heroes back, not a killer. Do you really think they want one of the biggest assassins on their land?’’

Steve hadn’t even thought about it. For him, it was clear that Bucky was coming back with him. But here in Wakanda, they’re so far from everything he had managed to forget the world is still looking for the Winter Soldier.

That the world hates the Winter Soldier. His best friend. The love of his life.

‘’Then I’m staying here with you,’’ Steve claims firmly.

‘’That’s exactly why I didn’t want to talk about this with you, Steve.’’ Bucky sighs. Steve tries to say something, but Bucky stops him with a movement of his hand. ‘’You can’t leave everything for me, Steve. You have a life, friends. I can’t and I won’t ask you to leave all you achieved behind for me.’’

Without thinking, Steve reaches for Bucky’s hand. He squeezes it.

‘’Bucky, you’re my best friend. You’ve been my best friend for almost a century. These people, these new friends? Of course I love them, I’d do anything for them, but. You’re the only thing in this century that reminds me of _me_. The only person who can make me Steve Rogers and not only Captain America. You’re the most important person in my life and I will not leave you behind.’’

Steve thinks of the moment Bucky had told him he didn’t think he was worth all of this, in the quinjet, when they were on their way to Russia.

‘’You’re worth it,’’ Steve softly adds, but he says nothing more.

Bucky never answers.

Eventually, they fall asleep, still holding hands.

-

They continue to go on missions. Sometimes, people spot them, other times, no one sees them. Bucky has bad days where he doesn’t say anything to anyone but Steve, days he spends in his bed because everything is too much. Steve draws him a lot on these days, because it’s the only time Bucky is still enough. Sometimes, he curls up around Steve and stays there for hours, not saying a word. One time, when Steve felt brave enough, he played with his hair and in minutes, Bucky had fallen asleep under his touch.

After that, it becomes a tradition. When Bucky has a bad day and can’t sleep, he goes to Steve to have his hair played with. It works like a charm every time, and Steve, well. Steve likes – loves – taking care of him.

Steve loves Bucky endlessly, bad day or not. It’s always perfect, because no matter what they’re doing, they’re _SteveandBucky_ , _BuckyandSteve_ again.

More than one time, Steve thinks about kissing Bucky. He never does it.

-

About three months after they all arrived in Wakanda, Tony wins the case.

It’s everywhere on the news. They all play in repeat a video of Tony, taken after an accord was concluded with the United States and the United Nations. He looks even more tired and exhausted than he did months before. Behind the camera, someone asks him to say a few words.

Tony turns around to look at the camera, smiles tiredly and only says ‘’you can come home’’.

-

A week later, the team is ready to leave. They’re saying their goodbyes; Scott tells Steve about how it was a pleasure to work with him and that he hopes they’ll meet again. Wanda has tears in her eyes, even though she’s trying to hide it. Steve is kind enough to not mention it and hugs her with a promise that he’ll see her again as soon as possible. Clint gives him a tap on his shoulder and makes Steve promise he’ll call if he ever needs help. (‘’It all goes to shit when I retire, anyway,’’ Clint tells him with a laugh in his voice.)

With Sam, it takes more time. He’s been one of the few persons Steve feels the closest with in this century and he’s going to miss him.

They promise each other to give news at least weekly, but they’re free to call or text whenever they want.

‘’You sure you’re gonna be fine?’’ Sam asks him, concern all over his face.

Steve turns to look at Bucky, who is currently talking with Clint, Wanda and Scott.

‘’Yeah, I’ll be fine,’’ he answers with a smile.

For the first time in a long time, he really believes it.

‘’Call me when you land, okay?’’

‘’Sure, old man.’’

They hug one last time, and then they all get in the plane to go home.

-

‘’You should have gone with them, Steve.’’ Bucky tells him later that day, when they’re watching a movie on the TV.

‘’I told you before I’m not leaving you behind, Buck.’’

‘’Steve, fuck! Don’t you get it? I’m never going to go back, they won’t ever let me! I got no right to force you to stay here with me!’’

‘’You’re not forcing me to do anything, it’s my choice!’’

‘’Oh, really? You’re only staying because you would feel bad. Because it wouldn’t be _right_ to leave your weak friend behind.’’

Steve suddenly feels so small. Does Bucky really think that? Does he not realize what he means to Steve?

‘’Y-You’re not weak. You’re the strongest person I know, Bucky. You’re amazing – ‘’

‘’Cut it, Steve. You’re not staying because you want to, you’re only here because morals or whatever.’’

‘’That’s not true! Don’t – Don’t say that. It’s not true. It’s not…’’

He loves Bucky. He’s here because he loves Bucky and doesn’t want to leave him.

‘’Then why the fuck are you here? Why the fuck didn’t you go back? You could continue your life.’’

‘’I’m not leaving you behind.’’

‘’Oh my god, Steve! _Why_?’’

‘’Because – Because I’m in love with you.’’

There’s a long silence as Bucky stares at him, not an emotion on his face. Steve feels himself going cold, he shouldn’t have said that, but it’s out now. He’s in love with his best friend and Bucky knows, and he’s not reacting.

Steve sighs, rubs his forehead.

‘’Because I’m in love with you and I want to spend as much time as I can with you, and if that means staying here, I’ll stay. I’m in love with you and I lost you once and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever went through and I don’t want to  live that ever again. I’ve loved you since I was sixteen and I’ll never stop. So be angry all you want that I stayed, I’m not going.’’

Bucky is still staring at him and Steve doesn’t want to stay, so he turns around and goes to leave the room.

But there’s a hand on his arm, turning him around. Suddenly he’s very close to Bucky, an inch of distance between them.

‘’You stupid punk,’’ Bucky says, ‘’you should have told me sooner.’’

And then Bucky is kissing him. Bucky is kissing him and it feels so _right_ , like Steve was meant to be in these arms and be kissed by this mouth.

His hands find their way at the base of Bucky’s neck to pull him closer and Bucky is happy to oblige, one hand at Steve’s hip and the other on his back.

He doesn’t know how long they stand there, just kissing, but it’s the best time of Steve’s life.

And if no one sees them for the rest of the night, well. It’s not their business.

-

Two days later, all the news are wondering where Captain America is.

The reporters were waiting for the ex-fugitives Avengers, ready to bombard them with their questions. But as Sam, Wanda, Clint and Scott step out of the plane, the room is silent.

Then, it explodes.

‘’Where is Captain America?’’

‘’Is he injured?’’

‘’Is he still mad at Iron Man? Is that why he’s not with you?’’

‘’When will he come back?’’

‘’Why is Captain Rogers not here?’’

Steve watches all of this with Bucky. On the TV, they can see Sam slowly raising a hand to request silence.

‘’Cap didn’t come back with us because he chose not to,’’ he simply says.

‘’Why?’’ A reporter asks.

‘’He will not come back until James Barnes is coming back too.’’

Bucky’s hand finds its way to Steve’s. He squeezes and Steve squeezes back.

‘’I’m afraid I don’t understand, Mr.Wilson,’’ a young male reporter says. ‘’Isn’t James Barnes the Winter Soldier?’’

‘’Yes,’’ Sam replies.

‘’I – Why will Cap come back only with the Winter Soldier? He’s an assassin!’’

‘’Look up James ’Bucky’ Barnes. That’s all I’m gonna say about it. Now excuse us, we have stuff to do and families to go back to.’’

The reporters continue to scream questions and flashes are going off everywhere, snapping every moment.

The next day, it’s announced that a case was opened on the Winter Soldier.

-

Steve is in love with Bucky, has only ever wanted him (and Peggy, too, a long time ago). But love doesn’t fix anything, and sometimes, on Bucky’s bad days, he has worries that Steve’s not sure he understands.

‘’What about that blonde girl? Sharon?’’ Bucky asks, one day.

‘’She was attractive, nice and kind, a firecracker too,’’ Steve answers with a smile, because yeah, Sharon was awesome. ‘’But... I don’t know. It didn’t go further than that.’’

‘’Why not?’’

‘’When I was living in D.C., she was spying on me. Actually, it was her job to do that. But after that, I’ve always felt like I couldn’t really trust her. I know I could, with all she’s done to help, but on a more intimate level, I don’t think I could have.’’

Bucky stays silent for a while, looking at his left hand.

‘’Would you have trusted me, if Wanda hadn’t been able to fix me?’’ he finally asks, trying to even his voice so he doesn’t show Steve how vulnerable he is, right now.

‘’But she did, and even if she didn’t, we would have found something else to help you, Buck.’’

‘’But if we hadn’t find anything – if there had been nothing to help me, to fix me. Would you have trusted me?’’ Bucky asks again.

‘’I – yes, of course.’’ Steve blinks, surprised that Bucky has these kind of worries, even after Steve told him his feelings for him. ‘’I’ve always trusted you and I’ll never stop.’’

-

The Winter Soldier case takes months. The world is arguing about what to do about the Winter Soldier. Some say he’s a victim, others say he deserves jail, and the most drastic call death.

Steve and Bucky do not watch anything that has to do with the case. They live their daily lives, they go through bad days and good days, and they do stuff. Mostly, they enjoy being in love.

They kiss and hold hands whenever they can, just to get the thrill out of it. Steve knows he’s never going to get tired of it, this never ending affection – but after all, he’s waited for this almost his entire life.

They train. It sometimes ends in a heated make-out, sometimes they end it just because they’ve been sparring for hours and they’re tired.

When they can, they go on a mission. Steve does reckless things and Bucky yells at him – Steve shuts him up by kissing him, just because he can.

In all honesty, Steve thinks it’s been the best months of his life. He never thought that his feelings could be reciprocated – but they are. When Bucky had said ‘’I love you too’’, Steve had almost cried.

He misses his friends, but he calls them often. When they can, they skype. Bucky often joins him when he talks with Wanda – he has a soft spot for her, just like Steve does.

If someone were to ask Steve how he’s doing, he’d say he’s fine, happy even, and this time, it’d be true.

-

After 6 months of debating whether or not the United States would let the Winter Soldier come back, they finally give an answer. The case is closed.

That night, Steve and Bucky are lying together on their bed. Bucky’s head is on Steve’s chest, his arms curled around his lover’s waist. Their legs are tangled together. Steve doesn’t know where he begins and where Bucky ends.

He’s stroking Bucky’s hair; thinking about their options and what they’re gonna do next.

They have so many choices, but it doesn’t matter what they do in the end, because as long as Steve is with Bucky, he’s happy and in love. He wouldn’t want it any other way.

‘’Hey, Buck?’’ Steve whispers into the night.

‘’Yeah?’’

Bucky is close to falling asleep; Steve can feel it in how his head is heavier on his chest and how his hold around his waist is less tight.

Steve smiles.

‘’You ready to go back home? To Brooklyn?’’

‘’Brooklyn’s not home,’’ Bucky mumbles. Steve didn’t think it was possible, but Bucky manages to get closer to him. ‘’You’re home.’’

Minutes pass and soon, Bucky is asleep in Steve’s arms.

‘’You’re home too.’’

_SteveandBucky, BuckyandSteve_ , they go ‘till the end of the line.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is it! Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it.  
> I'd like to say a gigantic thank you to [rocksandpencilsarelame](http://rocksandpencilsarelame.tumblr.com/), aka Katie, my little flower! She's been with me since the beginning and encouraged me to sign up as a writer, even if I doubted myself. All the time I was working on the fic, she only saw some bits and pieces, with no background. But she was there to help me and encourage me to go on even when I thought I couldn't do it - and also helped to beta the fic, with her awesome friend Emma. So really, babygirl, thank you a lot. I couldn't have done it without you. I love you.  
> A big thanks for my artist, too! She waited a long time before she could read the whole fic, and she was very enthusiastic about it. Her great comments really helped me with my doubts, and she was awesome the whole time.  
> I can be found on my tumblr, right here: [grqntbuchanan](http://grqntbuchanan.tumblr.com/), i mostly scream about our dumb boys, steve and bucky


End file.
